Saturday, July 19, 2003

Page 2 bans quality writing 

It's a wonderful country where Jim Armstrong can get paid for writing drivel like this about Lance Armstrong:
Tired of wading through a half-page of riveting bicycling copy to get to your morning box scores? I hear you, bubba. Sure, it was a nice story when it started, but by now it's gotten older than Jesse Orosco's bunions: See Lance ride, see Lance win, listen to French officials whine in their wine.




I'm sorry, I know he's overcome cancer and he's a great guy and all, but since when was Lance Armstrong born in a manger? Next thing you know, Al Gore will admit it actually was Lance who invented the Internet. Hoping for peace in the Middle East? No problem. Send Lance over there on his trusty two- wheeler. Heck, let's make it official right here and now: Lance for President.

When exactly was it that bicycling transcended recreation and became a sport, anyway? For crying out loud, we're already passing off ballroom dancing, skateboarding, chainsaw-wielding, street luge and synchronized swimming as legitimate sports. Where do we draw the line? It's getting so life's a beach volleyball game, then you die.

As far as I'm concerned, bicycling makes bowling seem like baseball in October. Which reminds me. Is there a beer frame in the Tour de France? If not, there ought to be.

Yeah, yeah, I know, those guys kill themselves getting up those mountains. No argument there. Trouble is, the only thing more grueling than doing it is watching it. If I'm going to watch a sport, it's going to involve a ball, thank you very much, not a ball bearing.

Let's leave the PC cops out of this, it should be the Good Sports Story cops who haul this jerk away. Lance Armstrong isn't some liberal puff piece, this isn't the Boston Globe covering women's sports once a week, it's an honest to God american classic. Where but the hallowed-halls of sport can synchronocity like this occur?

What's wonderful about Lance Armstrong is that he is a compelling american athlete competing in a global sport. We neglect the fact that, although we watch 'World Series' and win 'World Championships', not only is the globe shut out from competing in these events, an over whelming amount of the world simply doesn't care. Yet, forever intertwined with Lance Armstrong is this wholley american story of success despite impossible odds, an american appreciation for the ability of will-power and determination to define one's future, an american man wrapped in the garb of the United States Post Office making the american story entirely relevant to the globe in an event that is all their own.

And it really pisses off the French.
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