Thursday, September 08, 2005

2005 Quality Draft Analysis 

Welcome to the third edition of the Quality Draft Analysis. As always, I rule, your teams suck, blah blah blah. Let's roll.

Chi's The Eggroll Rebels

The thing you got to like about Chi's teams is that it's always willing to welcome the potential train wrecks to the team at the very top of the draft. So what if Priest Holmes is the biggest injury risk in the draft and has a backup who will take a quarter of the carries even when he's healthy? Two round later, in a textbook example of why one shouldn't stick to a pre-draft gameplan when faced with changing "facts on the ground", the team passes on T.O. and takes their third running back in Stephen Jackson, who could be a top 10 back on any team other than the Rams, because Mike Martz likes to pass 93 times a game and Marshall Faulk is still the better pass catcher. Then there's Chad Pennington, who'd be a perfectly competent 2nd quarterback if he hadn't had that surgery in the offseason in which his body was surgically attached to Johnny Damon's arm. And did this team really pass on Ashlie Lelie, Lee Evans, and Donald Driver to take Issac Bruce and (gasp!) Eddie Kennison?

Rank: QBs: 8 RBs: 1 WRs: 9 TEs: 4 D: 6

Nick's Take a Knee

I guess Nick never heard the joke where the patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this" and the doctor replies, "then don't do it." How else to explain Steve McNair, Deion Branch, T.J. Duckett, and Marcel Shipp, all of whom have been failures on his team in past incarnations? Also, consider these three consecutive picks: Ricky Williams, Drew Bledsoe, Jerome Bettis. No, our league don't give points when players miss games and open receivers. Propose motto for the team: "Shipp happens."

Rank: QBs: 5 RBs: 5 WRs: 1 TEs: 9 D: 1

Kit's Better than U

Even if a thousand monkeys had a thousand typewriters, not one of them would write Eli Manning into their starting lineup. The other quarterback is Drew Brees, who will be the victim of everything that goes wrong in San Diego this year that didn't happen last year, and who has already filed a restraining order against Phillip Rivers for breathing down his neck. Unfortunately, the quarterback troubles doesn't end there, as this team will be relying on Gus Frerotte, Trent Dilfer, and Patrick Ramsey to get Chris Chambers, Santana Moss, and Braylon Edwards the ball, and Bledsoe's ability to keep the defense honest against Julius Jones. But I guess Kit's finally figure out that he only wins the league title when he has a losing regular season record, so he's trying not to finish in first place on purpose. Why else would he draft Fred Taylor?

Rank: QBs: 9 RBs: 4 WRs: 6 TEs: 8 D: 8

Meredith's Cutie Pies

After drafting Peyton Manning, Meredith thought to herself, "hey, I already have one AFC quarterback who got whooped by the Patriots in the playoffs, I might as well get the other one." Then when it came time to pick a backup quarterback, she searched high and wide for a starting quarterback who will put up worse numbers this year than Ben Roethlisberger (for they are few and far between), and found her man in Kyle Orton. As punishment for drafting the Ravens defense over the Patriots (told you she was cursed), the team suffered the first casualty of the season when Cedric Benson finally signed with the Bears about two minutes after the draft was over, destroying most of Thomas Jones's value. (The perennial Terry-Glenn-is-a-girl joke will return next year when he's not owned by an actual girl.)

Rank: QBs: 3 RBs: 7 WRs: 7 TEs: 5 D: 2

Ryan's Cambridge kick ass

Is there a clause in the service contract with Sharper Image that employees must draft Jake Plummer for their fantasy football leagues? Because I just don't get it. It's one thing to pick a player for "upside", it's another to draft a whole group of players with great potential but have never done anything with it. Besides Plummer, there's Antonio Bryant, whom Bill Parcells gave away last year, Travis Taylor, a former first round pick, Jeremy Shockey, who had a grand total of 10 touchdowns in 3 years, Kevan Barlow, who screwed approximately 2.5 million owners last year who took him in the second round, and Joey Harrington, who won't be able to hold on to his job even if Jeff Garcia breaks both legs, an arm, a finger, and a clavicle. And what can you say about Ahman Green except that he was horrible last year and there's every reason to believe he'll never be a top running back again?

Rank: QBs: 4 RBs: 6 WRs: 5 TEs: 2 D: 7

Chris's The Doomsday Machine

Every year someone decided they can win without a running back, and this year Dr. Strangelove drew the short straw. Besides a "running backs gap", this team also suffers from a "Peyton Manning gap", which it tried to fill with Michael Vick, who made the mistake in the offseason of sharing with a woman his precious bodily fluids. Only a communist plot will get Chester Taylor, Kevin Faulk, and Sammy Morris any significant playing time, but if Chris needs to call the president for help he can borrow Joe Horn's phone instead of shooting the Coca-Cola machine. I'd say more but I'm out of references.

Rank: QBs: 2 RBs: 9 WRs: 3 TEs: 1 D: 3

Jim's Craptastic I hate Cheese!

After Jim drafted Kerry Collins, he realized that his team name is too accurate and that he'd have to change it. Having to rely on Collins for your whole fantasy team's fortunes is like, well, having to rely on Collins for your real football team's fortunes, which is to say, not good. It's too bad that Jim will be last in line to pick up players off waivers at the beginning of the season after Charles Rogers suffers another season-ending surgery, though I have talked to all the owners in the league and we have unanimously agreed to make Rogers a permanent member of Jim's team. And I foresee Jim trying to trade with me for Frank Gore, just so he can have a Kerry, a Gore, and an M.Moore on his team.

Rank: QBs: 6 RBs: 2 WRs: 2 TEs: 3 D: 4

Francis's Asian Invasion

It's good to have traditions, like Francis's picking a player whose name he can't pronounce. Besides T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Francis decided to put together a whole corps of wide receiver malcontents. There's Steve Smith, who once sucker-punched a teammate, Keyshawn Johnson, once suspended for the end of a season, and Plaxico Burress, who once spiked a ball before getting into the end zone, though with Eli Manning throwing him the ball he won't have get anywhere near the end zone this year. We probably can add Drew Bennett to the list next year after he hires Jeff Gillooly to take out Steve McNair so Billy Volek can be his quarterback again.

Rank: QBs: 1 RBs: 8 WRs: 8 TEs: 6 D: 5

Mr. Fav's Latka's Lackies

Why have a second defense on your team when you can have three quarterbacks sitting on your bench? Those three guys will surely carry the team to the league lead in bench points. Speaking of bench, taking Tatum Bell in the third round sure was a, um, "courageous" move. Well, I guess his chances of starting later this year are better than the chances that Tiki Barber will repeat his career year.

Rank: QBs: 7 RBs: 3 WRs: 4 TEs: 7 D: 9

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Quality Draft Analysis 

Welcome to the third edition of the Quality Draft Analysis. As always, the short version of the analysis is that all your teams suck. Now the long version, with numbers I won't bother to explain that only makes sense to me:

Nick: My favorite thing about his team is that two of his three best players have their bye week in the week that I play him. Otherwise, this team has a lot of very good players who nonetheless can all spectacularly go down in flames unseen since Nick's last year first-to-last finish. There's a good possibility that this could be the year that injuries catch up with PRIEST HOLMES, FRED TAYLOR, and STEVE MCNAIR, who'll take DERRICK MASON's fantasy value down with him, while Donavon McNabb's favorite receiver by week 8 could be Todd Pinkston after TERRELL OWENS short-arms a reception for the 50th time. Also, this team is notable for having both of the players, KOREN ROBINSON and TERRY GLENN, who's been called a girl in their careers. Lastly, stealing the commish's favorite running back, EDDIE GEORGE, has got to be bad karma. Other than that, the team's not that bad.

QBs: 6.5/10 RBs: 7.5/10 WRs: 10/10 TE: 0/1 D: 0/2 Total: 65.5 / 83

Jim: This is an even numbered year, which means Jim'll have a good team. Unfortunately, he is forced to actually having to pay attention to who the Chargers quarterback is, because that could determine the fate of LADANIAN TOMLINSON. He made good picks with RUDI JOHNSON, TRENT GREEN, and AARON BROOKS, so I'll focus my attention on his top 4 wide receivers, who 1) will have either Jay Fiedler or A.J. Feeley throwing the ball to him (CHRIS CHAMBERS), 2) once spiked the ball before he was downed (PLAXICO BURRESS), 3) missed approximately 27 games last year due to injury (CHARLES ROGERS), and 4) is a rookie who hasn't played one down in preseason yet because of injuries (LARRY FITZGERALD). On a related note, hWe interrupt this analysis for a trade offer from Jim: "I'll trade you 2, 42, 62, ..." Uh, where was I again? Anyway, Jim also forgot to take note of bye weeks, though I'm not complaining because immediately after the draft I swooped in vulture-like to steal his Dallas defense in exchange for a mediocre DENVER defense.

QB: 8 RB: 9 WR: 6 TE: 0 D: 0 Total: 61

Ryan: The new guy gets points immediately by taking two players Jim wanted, MATT HASSELBECK and TONY GONZALEZ, in the pick before. And in a first ever Quality Draft Analysis exclusive, QDA can report that Ryan was spotted today outside a black magic store, carrying with him four voodoo dolls labeled Marshall Faulk, Domanick Davis, Fred Taylor, and Lee Suggs. When asked about whether they approved of this effort by a fantasy football player to make them starting running backs, STEPHEN JACKSON, TONY HOLLINGS, GREG JONES, AND JAMES JACKSON all had no comment.

QB: 8 RB: 7 WR: 4 TE: 1 D: 0 Total: 50

Kit: In perhaps a tribute to his brother, Kit decided that he don't need no stinking running backs. After AHMAN GREEN, his other running backs, CURTIS MARTIN, TIKI BARBER, and EMMITT SMITH, had more fumbles than touchdowns last year. Or was he trying to imitate Nick's last year first-to-last finish by drafting nine wide receivers, including three who were on Nick's team last year (DREW BENNETT, IKE HILLIARD, and BRYANT JOHNSON)? Green and his QBs, DONOVAN MCNABB and BRETT FAVRE, however, should be able to carry Kit to a winning season, which is good news for the rest of us since we all know that he only wins the league title when he has a losing regular season record.

QB: 9.5 RB: 5.5 WR: 7 TE: 1 D: 1 Total: 58.5

Francis: After trying to acquire every known potsmoker in the league (WILLIAM GREEN, then Onterrio Smith), I was surprised Flee didn't make Ricky Williams his last pick. And sooner or later we have to adopt my proposed rule that no one can draft a player unless they can pronounce the player's name, so that Flee can't draft ITULA MILI or Mike Alstott last year. And in my attempt for the saddest pun of the year, since Flee drafted MIAMI for a defense but forgot to draft another, I can describe both of his defenses as M-I-A. *rimshot*

QB: 6.5 RB: 6 WR: 6 TE: 0 D: 1 Total: 50

Chi: After Ryan named his team "Kick Chi's Ass", we had to inform him that he'll have to change his team name. Such a name is just not appropriate for our league. We told him that he couldn't have a team named "Kick Chi's Ass" in this league because, well, everybody kicks Chi's ass in this league. If we stand for anything, it's against being redundant. Fortunately, I won't have to suffer his wrath for making fun of him, because Tom Osborne has taken over Chi's team and installed a wishbone offense. With EDGERRIN JAMES, TRAVIS HENRY, DOMANICK DAVIS, and MARSHALL FAULK in the backfield, this team definitely have the most quality running backs. Of course, it probably would have been better if the team doesn't have to depend on a guy who's had ACL surgery, two guys who's injury prone, and a fourth who could lose his job to a cheaper alternative. Editor's note: we had to remove a JEFF GARCIA gay joke that even got Rick Santorum offended.

QB: 6.5 RB: 9.5 WR: 4 TE: 0 D: 0 Total: 53.5

Mr. Favorito: This is the only team that drafted two quarterbacks (DAUNTE CULPEPPER and CHAD PENNINGTON) in the first three rounds. And it shows! This team has zero running backs (KEVAN BARLOW, CHRIS BROWN, LEE SUGGS, WILLIS MCGEHEE, RON DAYNE, and TATUM BELL) who was a regular starter the previous season. It also has two receivers who'll be catching the ball from Drew Bledsoe (ERIC MOULDS and JOSH REED), one who's out for two more months (ANQUAN BOLDIN), and one who lost his starting job in the preseason (MARCUS ROBINSON). Mr. Fav better hope that his quarterbacks throw 8 TDs a game.

QB: 9.5 RB: 5.5 WR: 5 TE: 0 D: 1 Total: 51.5

Meredith: Apparently Kit isn't the only one paying tribute to Chi's Antowain Smith/Emmitt Smith/Kevin Faulk juggernaut last year. You know the team's in trouble when the team's best runner is MICHAEL VICK and its best passer is JAKE PLUMMER. Having been a past owner of THOMAS JONES, I send my condolences. And hey, the Colts just scored again on the KANSAS CITY defense!

QB: 8 RB: 3 WR: 9 TE: 0 D: 0 Total: 52

Chris: Last year I rated Chris's team as the worse, only to see it get the second best record in the league. So this year I say: this team still sucks. I predict that JAMAL LEWIS will be in jail by December, that PEYTON MANNING will throw for 4000 yds again but will do squat during our playoff weeks like he always does, that RICH GANNON loses his job, and that MUHSIN MUHAMMAD will be arrested following orders from John Ashcroft. If Chris finishes near the top again, I think I'll charge people next year for last place predictions. P.S. If ADAM VINATIERI misses an important kick this year, I'll be blaming you for all your negativity last year.

QB: 8 RB: 7 WR: 5 TE: 0 D: 1 Total: 52

Hei Lun: As always, my team will roll through the regular season to a first place finish then lose in the first round of the playoffs. Yawn.

Good low picks:
Donte Stallworth, Nick, 101
Drew Bledsoe, Kit, 117
Tyrone Wheatley, Jim, 122
Moe Williams, Meredith, 128
Emmitt Smith, Kit, 144
David Givens, Chris, 149

Bad high picks:
Marshall Faulk, Ch, 26
Thomas Jones, Meredith, 33
Chris Chambers, Jim, 42
Tiki Barber, Kit, 44
Jerry Porter, Chris, 52
Muhsin Muhammad, Chris, 89
Mark Brunell, Nick, 100

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Let Freedom Reign! 

George Bush may have been quoting Nelson Mandela.

Friday, June 04, 2004

What kind of nut has a shell like this? 

A seriously broken nut:
"If blue-helmeted UN peacekeepers show up in your town or village and offer to protect you, run. Or else get weapons. Your lives are worth so much less than theirs."

Sunday, May 30, 2004

Where are the Human Rights lawyers!?!?!??! 

How can this kind of genocide continue to occur in a world filled with snooty Europeans obscessed with the United Nations?
One million Darfur people are displaced within Sudan, and 200,000 have fled to Chad. Many of those in Sudan are stuck in settlements like concentration camps.

I've obtained a report by a U.N. interagency team documenting conditions at a concentration camp in the town of Kailek: Eighty percent of the children are malnourished, there are no toilets, and girls are taken away each night by the guards to be raped. As inmates starve, food aid is diverted by guards to feed their camels.

The standard threshold for an "emergency" is one death per 10,000 people per day, but people in Kailek are dying at a staggering 41 per 10,000 per day — and for children under 5, the rate is 147 per 10,000 per day. "Children suffering from malnutrition, diarrhea, dehydration and other symptoms of the conditions under which they are being held live in filth, directly exposed to the sun," the report says.

"The team members, all of whom are experienced experts in humanitarian affairs, were visibly shaken," the report declares. It describes "a strategy of systematic and deliberate starvation being enforced by the GoS [government of Sudan] and its security forces on the ground." (Read the 11-page report here.)

Demographers at the U.S. Agency for International Development estimate that at best, "only" 100,000 people will die in Darfur this year of malnutrition and disease. If things go badly, half a million will die.

This is not a natural famine, but a deliberate effort to eliminate three African tribes in Darfur so Arabs can take their land. The Genocide Convention defines such behavior as genocide, and it obliges nations to act to stop it. That is why nobody in the West wants to talk about Darfur — because of a fear that focusing on the horror will lead to a deployment in Sudan.
What good is the United Nations if they're incapable of bringing this suffering to the World's attention? Don't tell me this is the fault of the United States for not paying our dues -- that's an excuse, not an explanation.

Luckilly we have an administration in America that care's about Human suffering:
I doff my hat, briefly, to President Bush.

Sudanese peasants will be naming their sons "George Bush" because he scored a humanitarian victory this week that could be a momentous event around the globe — although almost nobody noticed. It was Bush administration diplomacy that led to an accord to end a 20-year civil war between Sudan's north and south after two million deaths.

If the peace holds, hundreds of thousands of lives will be saved, millions of refugees will return home, and a region of Africa may be revived.
Now Mr. Bush, do something about Darfur.

Friday, May 28, 2004

Bait & Switch 

Paul Begala made a funny on Thursday's CROSSFIRE:
BEGALA: Isn't it the job of the president to lead them?

Ronald Reagan, doubtless a president you admire greatly.


BEGALA: In the '80s, wanted to station intermediate nuclear forces in Europe. The Europeans hated it. He brought the French along.

PENCE: Right.

BEGALA: Isn't that what a leader does? Look, when you become president, you get the White House, you get the limo and you get the French.

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Yay Canada 

I have no idea if the Flames can win Lord Stanley's Cup, but here are some non-work-safe Flames fan galleries for your, uh, aesthetic, pleasure:

Something kind of different: The Naked Detective. It's a collection of fake celebrity pics guised in a site which attempts to debunk such pics. Try comparing Cases #0-100 with the most recent cases. It could be a case study in the sexual fixations of Internet weirdos.

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