Thursday, September 02, 2004

Quality Draft Analysis 

Welcome to the third edition of the Quality Draft Analysis. As always, the short version of the analysis is that all your teams suck. Now the long version, with numbers I won't bother to explain that only makes sense to me:

Nick: My favorite thing about his team is that two of his three best players have their bye week in the week that I play him. Otherwise, this team has a lot of very good players who nonetheless can all spectacularly go down in flames unseen since Nick's last year first-to-last finish. There's a good possibility that this could be the year that injuries catch up with PRIEST HOLMES, FRED TAYLOR, and STEVE MCNAIR, who'll take DERRICK MASON's fantasy value down with him, while Donavon McNabb's favorite receiver by week 8 could be Todd Pinkston after TERRELL OWENS short-arms a reception for the 50th time. Also, this team is notable for having both of the players, KOREN ROBINSON and TERRY GLENN, who's been called a girl in their careers. Lastly, stealing the commish's favorite running back, EDDIE GEORGE, has got to be bad karma. Other than that, the team's not that bad.

QBs: 6.5/10 RBs: 7.5/10 WRs: 10/10 TE: 0/1 D: 0/2 Total: 65.5 / 83

Jim: This is an even numbered year, which means Jim'll have a good team. Unfortunately, he is forced to actually having to pay attention to who the Chargers quarterback is, because that could determine the fate of LADANIAN TOMLINSON. He made good picks with RUDI JOHNSON, TRENT GREEN, and AARON BROOKS, so I'll focus my attention on his top 4 wide receivers, who 1) will have either Jay Fiedler or A.J. Feeley throwing the ball to him (CHRIS CHAMBERS), 2) once spiked the ball before he was downed (PLAXICO BURRESS), 3) missed approximately 27 games last year due to injury (CHARLES ROGERS), and 4) is a rookie who hasn't played one down in preseason yet because of injuries (LARRY FITZGERALD). On a related note, hWe interrupt this analysis for a trade offer from Jim: "I'll trade you 2, 42, 62, ..." Uh, where was I again? Anyway, Jim also forgot to take note of bye weeks, though I'm not complaining because immediately after the draft I swooped in vulture-like to steal his Dallas defense in exchange for a mediocre DENVER defense.

QB: 8 RB: 9 WR: 6 TE: 0 D: 0 Total: 61

Ryan: The new guy gets points immediately by taking two players Jim wanted, MATT HASSELBECK and TONY GONZALEZ, in the pick before. And in a first ever Quality Draft Analysis exclusive, QDA can report that Ryan was spotted today outside a black magic store, carrying with him four voodoo dolls labeled Marshall Faulk, Domanick Davis, Fred Taylor, and Lee Suggs. When asked about whether they approved of this effort by a fantasy football player to make them starting running backs, STEPHEN JACKSON, TONY HOLLINGS, GREG JONES, AND JAMES JACKSON all had no comment.

QB: 8 RB: 7 WR: 4 TE: 1 D: 0 Total: 50

Kit: In perhaps a tribute to his brother, Kit decided that he don't need no stinking running backs. After AHMAN GREEN, his other running backs, CURTIS MARTIN, TIKI BARBER, and EMMITT SMITH, had more fumbles than touchdowns last year. Or was he trying to imitate Nick's last year first-to-last finish by drafting nine wide receivers, including three who were on Nick's team last year (DREW BENNETT, IKE HILLIARD, and BRYANT JOHNSON)? Green and his QBs, DONOVAN MCNABB and BRETT FAVRE, however, should be able to carry Kit to a winning season, which is good news for the rest of us since we all know that he only wins the league title when he has a losing regular season record.

QB: 9.5 RB: 5.5 WR: 7 TE: 1 D: 1 Total: 58.5

Francis: After trying to acquire every known potsmoker in the league (WILLIAM GREEN, then Onterrio Smith), I was surprised Flee didn't make Ricky Williams his last pick. And sooner or later we have to adopt my proposed rule that no one can draft a player unless they can pronounce the player's name, so that Flee can't draft ITULA MILI or Mike Alstott last year. And in my attempt for the saddest pun of the year, since Flee drafted MIAMI for a defense but forgot to draft another, I can describe both of his defenses as M-I-A. *rimshot*

QB: 6.5 RB: 6 WR: 6 TE: 0 D: 1 Total: 50

Chi: After Ryan named his team "Kick Chi's Ass", we had to inform him that he'll have to change his team name. Such a name is just not appropriate for our league. We told him that he couldn't have a team named "Kick Chi's Ass" in this league because, well, everybody kicks Chi's ass in this league. If we stand for anything, it's against being redundant. Fortunately, I won't have to suffer his wrath for making fun of him, because Tom Osborne has taken over Chi's team and installed a wishbone offense. With EDGERRIN JAMES, TRAVIS HENRY, DOMANICK DAVIS, and MARSHALL FAULK in the backfield, this team definitely have the most quality running backs. Of course, it probably would have been better if the team doesn't have to depend on a guy who's had ACL surgery, two guys who's injury prone, and a fourth who could lose his job to a cheaper alternative. Editor's note: we had to remove a JEFF GARCIA gay joke that even got Rick Santorum offended.

QB: 6.5 RB: 9.5 WR: 4 TE: 0 D: 0 Total: 53.5

Mr. Favorito: This is the only team that drafted two quarterbacks (DAUNTE CULPEPPER and CHAD PENNINGTON) in the first three rounds. And it shows! This team has zero running backs (KEVAN BARLOW, CHRIS BROWN, LEE SUGGS, WILLIS MCGEHEE, RON DAYNE, and TATUM BELL) who was a regular starter the previous season. It also has two receivers who'll be catching the ball from Drew Bledsoe (ERIC MOULDS and JOSH REED), one who's out for two more months (ANQUAN BOLDIN), and one who lost his starting job in the preseason (MARCUS ROBINSON). Mr. Fav better hope that his quarterbacks throw 8 TDs a game.

QB: 9.5 RB: 5.5 WR: 5 TE: 0 D: 1 Total: 51.5

Meredith: Apparently Kit isn't the only one paying tribute to Chi's Antowain Smith/Emmitt Smith/Kevin Faulk juggernaut last year. You know the team's in trouble when the team's best runner is MICHAEL VICK and its best passer is JAKE PLUMMER. Having been a past owner of THOMAS JONES, I send my condolences. And hey, the Colts just scored again on the KANSAS CITY defense!

QB: 8 RB: 3 WR: 9 TE: 0 D: 0 Total: 52

Chris: Last year I rated Chris's team as the worse, only to see it get the second best record in the league. So this year I say: this team still sucks. I predict that JAMAL LEWIS will be in jail by December, that PEYTON MANNING will throw for 4000 yds again but will do squat during our playoff weeks like he always does, that RICH GANNON loses his job, and that MUHSIN MUHAMMAD will be arrested following orders from John Ashcroft. If Chris finishes near the top again, I think I'll charge people next year for last place predictions. P.S. If ADAM VINATIERI misses an important kick this year, I'll be blaming you for all your negativity last year.

QB: 8 RB: 7 WR: 5 TE: 0 D: 1 Total: 52

Hei Lun: As always, my team will roll through the regular season to a first place finish then lose in the first round of the playoffs. Yawn.

Good low picks:
Donte Stallworth, Nick, 101
Drew Bledsoe, Kit, 117
Tyrone Wheatley, Jim, 122
Moe Williams, Meredith, 128
Emmitt Smith, Kit, 144
David Givens, Chris, 149

Bad high picks:
Marshall Faulk, Ch, 26
Thomas Jones, Meredith, 33
Chris Chambers, Jim, 42
Tiki Barber, Kit, 44
Jerry Porter, Chris, 52
Muhsin Muhammad, Chris, 89
Mark Brunell, Nick, 100
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