Thursday, September 08, 2005

2005 Quality Draft Analysis 

Welcome to the third edition of the Quality Draft Analysis. As always, I rule, your teams suck, blah blah blah. Let's roll.

Chi's The Eggroll Rebels

The thing you got to like about Chi's teams is that it's always willing to welcome the potential train wrecks to the team at the very top of the draft. So what if Priest Holmes is the biggest injury risk in the draft and has a backup who will take a quarter of the carries even when he's healthy? Two round later, in a textbook example of why one shouldn't stick to a pre-draft gameplan when faced with changing "facts on the ground", the team passes on T.O. and takes their third running back in Stephen Jackson, who could be a top 10 back on any team other than the Rams, because Mike Martz likes to pass 93 times a game and Marshall Faulk is still the better pass catcher. Then there's Chad Pennington, who'd be a perfectly competent 2nd quarterback if he hadn't had that surgery in the offseason in which his body was surgically attached to Johnny Damon's arm. And did this team really pass on Ashlie Lelie, Lee Evans, and Donald Driver to take Issac Bruce and (gasp!) Eddie Kennison?

Rank: QBs: 8 RBs: 1 WRs: 9 TEs: 4 D: 6

Nick's Take a Knee

I guess Nick never heard the joke where the patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this" and the doctor replies, "then don't do it." How else to explain Steve McNair, Deion Branch, T.J. Duckett, and Marcel Shipp, all of whom have been failures on his team in past incarnations? Also, consider these three consecutive picks: Ricky Williams, Drew Bledsoe, Jerome Bettis. No, our league don't give points when players miss games and open receivers. Propose motto for the team: "Shipp happens."

Rank: QBs: 5 RBs: 5 WRs: 1 TEs: 9 D: 1

Kit's Better than U

Even if a thousand monkeys had a thousand typewriters, not one of them would write Eli Manning into their starting lineup. The other quarterback is Drew Brees, who will be the victim of everything that goes wrong in San Diego this year that didn't happen last year, and who has already filed a restraining order against Phillip Rivers for breathing down his neck. Unfortunately, the quarterback troubles doesn't end there, as this team will be relying on Gus Frerotte, Trent Dilfer, and Patrick Ramsey to get Chris Chambers, Santana Moss, and Braylon Edwards the ball, and Bledsoe's ability to keep the defense honest against Julius Jones. But I guess Kit's finally figure out that he only wins the league title when he has a losing regular season record, so he's trying not to finish in first place on purpose. Why else would he draft Fred Taylor?

Rank: QBs: 9 RBs: 4 WRs: 6 TEs: 8 D: 8

Meredith's Cutie Pies

After drafting Peyton Manning, Meredith thought to herself, "hey, I already have one AFC quarterback who got whooped by the Patriots in the playoffs, I might as well get the other one." Then when it came time to pick a backup quarterback, she searched high and wide for a starting quarterback who will put up worse numbers this year than Ben Roethlisberger (for they are few and far between), and found her man in Kyle Orton. As punishment for drafting the Ravens defense over the Patriots (told you she was cursed), the team suffered the first casualty of the season when Cedric Benson finally signed with the Bears about two minutes after the draft was over, destroying most of Thomas Jones's value. (The perennial Terry-Glenn-is-a-girl joke will return next year when he's not owned by an actual girl.)

Rank: QBs: 3 RBs: 7 WRs: 7 TEs: 5 D: 2

Ryan's Cambridge kick ass

Is there a clause in the service contract with Sharper Image that employees must draft Jake Plummer for their fantasy football leagues? Because I just don't get it. It's one thing to pick a player for "upside", it's another to draft a whole group of players with great potential but have never done anything with it. Besides Plummer, there's Antonio Bryant, whom Bill Parcells gave away last year, Travis Taylor, a former first round pick, Jeremy Shockey, who had a grand total of 10 touchdowns in 3 years, Kevan Barlow, who screwed approximately 2.5 million owners last year who took him in the second round, and Joey Harrington, who won't be able to hold on to his job even if Jeff Garcia breaks both legs, an arm, a finger, and a clavicle. And what can you say about Ahman Green except that he was horrible last year and there's every reason to believe he'll never be a top running back again?

Rank: QBs: 4 RBs: 6 WRs: 5 TEs: 2 D: 7

Chris's The Doomsday Machine

Every year someone decided they can win without a running back, and this year Dr. Strangelove drew the short straw. Besides a "running backs gap", this team also suffers from a "Peyton Manning gap", which it tried to fill with Michael Vick, who made the mistake in the offseason of sharing with a woman his precious bodily fluids. Only a communist plot will get Chester Taylor, Kevin Faulk, and Sammy Morris any significant playing time, but if Chris needs to call the president for help he can borrow Joe Horn's phone instead of shooting the Coca-Cola machine. I'd say more but I'm out of references.

Rank: QBs: 2 RBs: 9 WRs: 3 TEs: 1 D: 3

Jim's Craptastic I hate Cheese!

After Jim drafted Kerry Collins, he realized that his team name is too accurate and that he'd have to change it. Having to rely on Collins for your whole fantasy team's fortunes is like, well, having to rely on Collins for your real football team's fortunes, which is to say, not good. It's too bad that Jim will be last in line to pick up players off waivers at the beginning of the season after Charles Rogers suffers another season-ending surgery, though I have talked to all the owners in the league and we have unanimously agreed to make Rogers a permanent member of Jim's team. And I foresee Jim trying to trade with me for Frank Gore, just so he can have a Kerry, a Gore, and an M.Moore on his team.

Rank: QBs: 6 RBs: 2 WRs: 2 TEs: 3 D: 4

Francis's Asian Invasion

It's good to have traditions, like Francis's picking a player whose name he can't pronounce. Besides T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Francis decided to put together a whole corps of wide receiver malcontents. There's Steve Smith, who once sucker-punched a teammate, Keyshawn Johnson, once suspended for the end of a season, and Plaxico Burress, who once spiked a ball before getting into the end zone, though with Eli Manning throwing him the ball he won't have get anywhere near the end zone this year. We probably can add Drew Bennett to the list next year after he hires Jeff Gillooly to take out Steve McNair so Billy Volek can be his quarterback again.

Rank: QBs: 1 RBs: 8 WRs: 8 TEs: 6 D: 5

Mr. Fav's Latka's Lackies

Why have a second defense on your team when you can have three quarterbacks sitting on your bench? Those three guys will surely carry the team to the league lead in bench points. Speaking of bench, taking Tatum Bell in the third round sure was a, um, "courageous" move. Well, I guess his chances of starting later this year are better than the chances that Tiki Barber will repeat his career year.

Rank: QBs: 7 RBs: 3 WRs: 4 TEs: 7 D: 9
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